I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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