if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
