I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
