cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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