Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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