I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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