shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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