you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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