i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
