NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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