first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
