I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
