using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
