fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
how does that bad decision feel?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
