man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
