Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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