I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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