I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
