before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
