Got a toothbrush?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
