Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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