whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
