I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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