why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
