don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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