omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
