I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize