omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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