he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
