im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
