i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
