I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
