I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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