Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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