I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
