I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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