Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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