My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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