everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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