fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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