I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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