just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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