I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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