Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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