oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
