I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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