there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
