so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
