some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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