im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The feeling are messing with the penis
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
