i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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