And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
