my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
