fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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