I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
