Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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