You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
