Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
