The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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