I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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